Sky….fallen
- ZarcMan
- Nov 3, 2012
- 3 min read
DISCLAIMER!! – Hello you! Hey you! Yes YOU! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THIS MOVIE. I do not want to be abused by a word meaning ‘sexual intercourse’ or a ‘body part’ or even simply idiot. There are spoilers. I tried not to, but I couldn’t help it. If you have not seen the movie, please read at your own risk.
What are the right ingredients for a good bond movie?
A Blond bond with a physique that makes that ladies sigh – Daniel Craig – Check
A blonder villain (preferably one married to Penelope Cruz) – Javier Bardem – Check
A bond ‘Lady’ with slightly saggy ……… chin (what did you expect?) – Check (You’re right I don’t know her name)
A dark, no wait – a darker plot – Well so what if there are umpteen franchises going that way? – Check
Adele to sing the opening credits – (OMG!!!) – *fucking* check!!! (What??! Is it even possible to do it better?)
Ralph Fiennes playing a former Captain turned government agent – All right stop!! that is enough!! It is too much already.
But fellas. Isn’t there something that is called.. I dunno ‘A MOVIE!!!!!???’
It is the single most important assignment that could compromise everything NATO, the CIA and MI 6 have worked for. WOW – how about 001 and 002 on the mission? or at least 007 with 009? I love that guy – he put a bullet inside another’s skull, without killing him.
No – that is bullshit, let us send in Bond James Bond and an almost-Rookie for the mission – Sweet. Bond may get shot and thrown off a running train, but its awesome shit, right?
‘Q’ is a guy who speaks with a Londoner accent and gives bond a ‘Judge dredd’ gun (minus all the cool features) and a Radio(not a typo). OK. Should be very much enough for the guy who got shot and is going after someone who should be way better than him.
Oh the beautiful lady with Gothic make-up(and bare *fap-fap-fap-fap* back) knows where the bad guy is, Lets not do a back ground check on the place and just send in Bond. The SAS can sleep. They need their sleep you know. The SAS will never work without their sleep.
Javier Bardem comes in telling a long Rat story (trust me its bloody good), allows him to be captured after giving Bond a lecture. Now where have I seen that? *cough* *Dark* *knight* *cough* No I haven’t. It totally blew me!!
MI 6 is attacked. So what does the ‘Empire’ do? What do we do? Oh I know! I know! – conduct a review on ‘M’, you know the Veteran who has done some weird shit like stopping world war 3. Let us not worry about the maniac who has all the details of ALL agents under cover and is posting it on youtube (God that was creepy). It is more important to worry about the opposition party’s views on this.
He can do anything. You know anything. So what do we do? Get his target to a high security location that he can’t breach and not accessible to MI 6. You know something like a safe house or a Villa that looks on to the Brighton Pier? The last place he would come looking for you.
No let us take the target to Bond’s childhood house in Scotland – that has no roads, security or even electricity. OK. And Just for fun, let us give him a trail to follow. Let an armada attack and we will repel them, with rifles, bulbs and TNT. Because we are ……… Scots. You know… like William Wallace. Let us not stage an ambush with all our military might. (SAS – that is your cue to hang your heads down).
When you go ‘old-school’ it follows you, people let go of their guns and try to kill you with a pea-shooter. That is how we roll. That is right isn’t it?
When a guy goes on an elevator, Bond follows up by clinging to the bottom. Smooth.
When the bad guy escapes, Bond follows up in the ‘tube’ without running straight to him, pinning him down and thrashing his brains out. And can’t MI6 stop a bloody tube ?
When all seems to be lost, Bond fumes furiously…… at the destruction of a Vintage Aston Martin. I do confess, I too did get a little emotional there.
One pointless scene after another. After all, what is the point of having some thrill and suspense?
I liked the Dog toy though. Showed that ‘M’ had a sense of humour. If critics call this movie the best bond, well I be damned! Marketing can be sometimes extreme. But this is just sad.
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